A Father’s Day to Forget?

People all over the world may have been celebrating Father’s Day. Cards, flowers and other presentations were given to commemorate all fathers of the world. Fathers definitely enjoy this occasion for once in a year; tributes were given to fathers for all their hard-work, love and care they express for their family. But, my husband is different, he doesn’t anticipate this celebration, for him it brings pain for the memory of our child, Matthew Joash.

Our son was born June 17, 2004. We were so excited for the coming of our firstborn child because after a series of failed pregnancies, finally our prayers were answered. My husband fulfilled my entire request during my pregnancy, I would asked him to buy me mangoes, jackfruit and papaya which I craved so much and not only that, I requested white spaghetti which I remembered my favorite snack during the first 3 months of pregnancy. We bought a lot of child stuffs from feeding bottles, to baby clothes and other items a child needs.

Since my pregnancy was delicate I was forced to stay at home and in bed for almost nine months, my husband was there all along to support me, he pampered me all the way despite his work schedule, I truly am bless to have him and I can see that he will become a wonderful father to our expecting child.

I was advised by my doctor that my due was on first week of August, but we were so surprised that my water-bag broke; it was only June 16 then. We were so alarmed; they took me immediately to the hospital, we were waiting for the doctor’s advised whether I would be delivering my child that early or I just need a medicine to stop the flow of water, but the doctor said that by tomorrow they will be performing a caesarian operation to get the baby. I will never forget our excitement upon hearing the news not knowing that there is a complication involved on the baby’s condition.

During the operation, the moment the baby was taken out of me, the doctor showed his face to me, I remembered his pinkish color and the frown on his little face, I was so happy and thrilled to hold him, I just heard that he was taken directly to ICU for closer monitoring, I don’t know at that time why, but I just closed my eyes and prayed and thanked God because finally, the little child inside me, moving here and there was finally out, now I can hold and caress him! I was so delighted thinking how my husband would react as he sees our baby – because our son looks just like him!

When I was transferred to the room, my husband was there as well as my doctor and the pediatrician, they were discussing something, I never heard anything but when my husband approached me, he was worried. I asked him how’s our baby because I heard a baby cried next door, for our room was next to the ICU, he just asked me to sleep, but I insist to get the child because I wanted to see him, he told me that I will soon see him but I need to rest first.

It was only then that I realized that he was hiding something, he doesn’t want me to know that our child was dying and fighting to survived, our doctor advised us that his lungs was not prepared that’s why he was suffering from complications, in other words he could not make it. The doctor said that they tried everything they can to keep him alive but the only life support he was getting was the oxygen support and some medicine that could keep his heart beating.

I insisted to see him, together, my husband and I went to the ICU, we were heartbroken to see him lying and his little body which was pinkish when I saw him was now turning blue, I touched him for a moment, and I asked him if he can’t hold it any longer, if he can fight still, if he can survive for mommy and daddy…it seems that when I was looking at him, I heard a small voice in my heart, asking me to let him go, “I love you mom, dad…I’m happy to see you and I will never forget you.” I burst into tears, we prayed, we asked for God’s comfort and strength, then with a soft voice I told him, “Alright Matthew, it’s ok to let go, thank you for coming into our life, for being a son to us for almost eight months and thank you for fighting just in time so we could touch you before you go to heaven.” Upon saying that, the doctor declared him dead just after a few seconds we prayed.

 

Upon going back to our room, he asked me, “Do you know what day is today?” he was looking straight in my eyes, then he sat beside me, I answered him I don’t know, then he looked down, “It’s June 17, today, the world is celebrating Fathers’ Day, and we are mourning for the death of our baby, I never forget my husband’s face, he was so strong, he never cried, he comforted and supported me but deep down I can feel his pain and longing to hold our son. I asked him why he didn’t cry, he told me “I want to be your strength, if I would cry I might weaken your spirit.”

So every time Fathers’ Day is approaching, I can feel his uneasiness, as if he wants to escape, I can’t blame him…because he will never forget the pain of seeing our son died on Fathers’ Day, I empathize with him…he loves our son so much, he wants to be a father, he wants to express his love, care and support, maybe teaching him to play basketball, ride a bicycle or play pony ride, to carry him on his shoulders, tickle him and play pillow fights before going to bed. If he was alive, he’s already eight years old and in grade two in elementary level. I missed him so much and I want to hold him and tell him how much he means to me and I know my husband felt the same way.

He may not have a chance to do these for Matthew, I am still looking at him as a good father, how he cared for me during my pregnancy – he cared for our son, how he provided for my cravings – he provided for his food, how he bought those baby stuffs – he welcomed him into our life. For me he is the best father in the world, because short time as it is, that short time he spend with me and Matthew is worth spending and living, he sent him to heaven with a memory of how good and wonderful father he is, Matthew is thankful to God because he have him as his father and maybe he is whispering to God’s ears for another baby gift. For Matthew, a Fathers’ Day is special day and it will never be forgotten.