I
was feeling a little bit of perturbed with my life lately, my husband was
assigned to pioneer a church in Laos and I decided to stay not because I don’t
want to go but I’m beginning to lose interest in the ministry, I was assigned
to lead a Sunday school class for kids and coming to class every Sunday morning
feels burdensome for me.
I
accepted a part-time job in a government office, the salary is not rewarding,
but I had no choice, we need resources to compensate for the monthly bills,
there are times I want to question God about this kind of life that I have;
everything is average: an average job, average house, average friends, for a
total of average life, I thought that God promised good and satisfying life,
how come I got stuck in this average situation!
It
was Friday night when I received a long distance call, it was from my husband,
his voice was shaking and bristly, “Dear, I want you to pray for us here, some
of the locals who were against the faith confess us to the authorities, causing
trouble within the church I was pastoring, they arrested all the church leaders
and we will undergo interrogation, please pray for us, I was given a chance to
inform you, but I don’t want you to be worried but be strong in the faith. I love
you, I want you to know that I thank you for bearing life with me together,
your love has been my strength and I’m so sorry if I failed to give you…tooot!”
dead air, until I heard the beep, the phone was cut on his end, I was worried, I
called the pastor, they came to my house and we intercede for him and the
brethren.
We prayed endlessly
for the whole week, but no news from Laos came. One afternoon, I was praying
alone in my room, I heard a loud knock at the door, I rush to see who it was, I
was stunned to open the door seeing a wooden coffin right in front of my house!
In it was my husband wearing just a plain shirt and pants, the coffin was
delivered to us by the local police together with one native member of the
church he was pastoring in Laos, I don’t have time to ask why, how and when
because my heart was filled with bitterness, anger and rebellion! Chanda a
native from Laos reached out and gave me a letter, a hat and a scarf all belong
to Tom, when I opened the letter, his handwriting was obviously shaky while he
was writing the letter, it says, “My ever dearest Rachel, I’m so sorry if I can’t
be with you on our 11 years anniversary, I’m so sorry if I can’t bring you the
gift as I promised, but as I close my letter, I want you to promise God that no
matter what happens you will remain in the faith, be strong and continue the
work God has started in us together, don’t ever let go, you may forget me but
don’t forget God. I love you and I am looking forward to see you in heaven,
love always, Tom.”
I burst into
tears, his words doesn't have any effect on me, I cried so hard and I regretted
the fact why I let him go to Laos, for months I’m keeping up with the
bitterness in my heart, I let it all out, I blamed God for everything, I asked
God “Why me?! Why all this?! Why did You let it happen, I thought You are
powerful but how come You can’t even move a finger to stop all these events? You
are so unfair!”
Suddenly the
place where I was standing became so dark, I don’t know what was happening, I looked
around me until I saw a faint light to my right, then I heard noise of people
shouting, I ran to where the noise came from until I reached a street crowded
with people, there was a man filled with blood walking down the stony road, His
feet was wrinkled and His legs were shaking, the soldiers were continually
beating Him up, I could see the flesh torn from His body, yet He never quit, He
was enduring the heaviness of the cross He was carrying upon His shoulders, He
continued to step little by little until He reached the place of Calvary.
I followed and
was shocked to see the event as it unfolds right before my eyes. When the
soldier struck the nail upon His hands, He gave out a loud cry, and then they
pierced His feet. He was in so much pain until they erected the cross and I could
see from where I was standing the tears flowing from His eyes, He looked at me
and He gave a smile, I could hear His Words speaking to me, “Child, it’s all
for you, all the beatings, all the shame, all the pain, the nails, the crown of
thorns and the cross, I gladly accept because of you, it is unfair but it’s
nothing compared to what I can offer you, I never ask why Me Father and why for
them because I know that you are worth to die for.”
I cried, those
words echoed in my heart and I fell on my knees with repentant heart, I realized
that I was so self-centered and for years of my service with the Lord I was
complaining about this and that, I failed to thanked God for His blessings and I
realized that I was so possessed with self-satisfaction that I failed to see
that in my lack God is my completeness. I thought that life was unfair, but
Jesus has suffered all injustices in this world to make me just with God, I
realized that it is not my service for the Lord that cause me to receive
blessings but it is God’s unmerited favor, His love and compassion and the
reason why I failed to see it is because my eyes were clouded with anger and
unthankfulness.
“Rachel, are you
alright?” it was Sandy, “You passed out and your neighbors took you in, the
congregation are preparing for the wake of Tom, just relax and we’ll take care
of everything, be strong, we’re here for you.” Her reassuring words and warm
smile put me back in my senses, I stood up and women from the ministry guided
me to see Tom in a dark brown coffin which the church members purchased. I looked
and somehow I remembered the Man, Jesus on the cross, I was strengthened, the
grief and pain in my heart was gone and I looked on my right hand, it was Tom’s
letter all crumpled up, I held it tightly and with a smile I whispered, “I’ll
see you in heaven Tom, you me and Jesus.”
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