Thursday, October 11, 2012

Why Me Lord? - A Short Story by Hazel Yee


            I was a Christian for twenty years; together with my husband we've done service for the Lord and committed ourselves to the ministry. My husband, Tom and I were church workers, and for ten years of marriage, we were not given a child to complete the family. My husband has accepted our fate for he always say that the Lord knows what He’s doing, but for me, I am finding it hard to accept this, I always thought that we deserve all good things from God for we were His good servants after all, we did everything we can to serve Him and make ourselves available for the work of the Lord, so I am fully convince that we deserve better than this…yes better than all of these!

            I was feeling a little bit of perturbed with my life lately, my husband was assigned to pioneer a church in Laos and I decided to stay not because I don’t want to go but I’m beginning to lose interest in the ministry, I was assigned to lead a Sunday school class for kids and coming to class every Sunday morning feels burdensome for me.

            I accepted a part-time job in a government office, the salary is not rewarding, but I had no choice, we need resources to compensate for the monthly bills, there are times I want to question God about this kind of life that I have; everything is average: an average job, average house, average friends, for a total of average life, I thought that God promised good and satisfying life, how come I got stuck in this average situation!

            It was Friday night when I received a long distance call, it was from my husband, his voice was shaking and bristly, “Dear, I want you to pray for us here, some of the locals who were against the faith confess us to the authorities, causing trouble within the church I was pastoring, they arrested all the church leaders and we will undergo interrogation, please pray for us, I was given a chance to inform you, but I don’t want you to be worried but be strong in the faith. I love you, I want you to know that I thank you for bearing life with me together, your love has been my strength and I’m so sorry if I failed to give you…tooot!” dead air, until I heard the beep, the phone was cut on his end, I was worried, I called the pastor, they came to my house and we intercede for him and the brethren.

We prayed endlessly for the whole week, but no news from Laos came. One afternoon, I was praying alone in my room, I heard a loud knock at the door, I rush to see who it was, I was stunned to open the door seeing a wooden coffin right in front of my house! In it was my husband wearing just a plain shirt and pants, the coffin was delivered to us by the local police together with one native member of the church he was pastoring in Laos, I don’t have time to ask why, how and when because my heart was filled with bitterness, anger and rebellion! Chanda a native from Laos reached out and gave me a letter, a hat and a scarf all belong to Tom, when I opened the letter, his handwriting was obviously shaky while he was writing the letter, it says, “My ever dearest Rachel, I’m so sorry if I can’t be with you on our 11 years anniversary, I’m so sorry if I can’t bring you the gift as I promised, but as I close my letter, I want you to promise God that no matter what happens you will remain in the faith, be strong and continue the work God has started in us together, don’t ever let go, you may forget me but don’t forget God. I love you and I am looking forward to see you in heaven, love always, Tom.”

I burst into tears, his words doesn't have any effect on me, I cried so hard and I regretted the fact why I let him go to Laos, for months I’m keeping up with the bitterness in my heart, I let it all out, I blamed God for everything, I asked God “Why me?! Why all this?! Why did You let it happen, I thought You are powerful but how come You can’t even move a finger to stop all these events? You are so unfair!”

Suddenly the place where I was standing became so dark, I don’t know what was happening, I looked around me until I saw a faint light to my right, then I heard noise of people shouting, I ran to where the noise came from until I reached a street crowded with people, there was a man filled with blood walking down the stony road, His feet was wrinkled and His legs were shaking, the soldiers were continually beating Him up, I could see the flesh torn from His body, yet He never quit, He was enduring the heaviness of the cross He was carrying upon His shoulders, He continued to step little by little until He reached the place of Calvary.

I followed and was shocked to see the event as it unfolds right before my eyes. When the soldier struck the nail upon His hands, He gave out a loud cry, and then they pierced His feet. He was in so much pain until they erected the cross and I could see from where I was standing the tears flowing from His eyes, He looked at me and He gave a smile, I could hear His Words speaking to me, “Child, it’s all for you, all the beatings, all the shame, all the pain, the nails, the crown of thorns and the cross, I gladly accept because of you, it is unfair but it’s nothing compared to what I can offer you, I never ask why Me Father and why for them because I know that you are worth to die for.”

I cried, those words echoed in my heart and I fell on my knees with repentant heart, I realized that I was so self-centered and for years of my service with the Lord I was complaining about this and that, I failed to thanked God for His blessings and I realized that I was so possessed with self-satisfaction that I failed to see that in my lack God is my completeness. I thought that life was unfair, but Jesus has suffered all injustices in this world to make me just with God, I realized that it is not my service for the Lord that cause me to receive blessings but it is God’s unmerited favor, His love and compassion and the reason why I failed to see it is because my eyes were clouded with anger and unthankfulness.

“Rachel, are you alright?” it was Sandy, “You passed out and your neighbors took you in, the congregation are preparing for the wake of Tom, just relax and we’ll take care of everything, be strong, we’re here for you.” Her reassuring words and warm smile put me back in my senses, I stood up and women from the ministry guided me to see Tom in a dark brown coffin which the church members purchased. I looked and somehow I remembered the Man, Jesus on the cross, I was strengthened, the grief and pain in my heart was gone and I looked on my right hand, it was Tom’s letter all crumpled up, I held it tightly and with a smile I whispered, “I’ll see you in heaven Tom, you me and Jesus.”

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