Bed in Hell

Bed in Hell

By: Hazel S. Yee

Have you ever made a bed in hell? I used to, its not that I am not aware I’m making one, or the bed is placed unintentionally or intentionally there (by me of course)! The bed I made in hell is a picture of myself turning away from God, I knew I was wrong but the thought of wrestling with God with things you are asking from Him which He never seems to hear or He doesn’t want to give makes me feel dismayed. Especially if the things you are pleading are the things you thought you deserve…you thought you deserve!

Well, I am thirty three years old; I have accepted Christ as my Savior in November, 1991. I know that I am not a perfect Christian, well not the complete sense of perfection, but at least I know that I am in the process of perfection. I am very active in my ministry in the church as a Sunday school teacher, I’m the leader in dance ministry and I disciple young people who wants to be in this ministry. I am always present in Sunday service, young peoples’ Sunday school and midweek services. Sometimes, I was assigned to preach in worship services. In addition, I never fail to give my tithes to the Lord and if there are enough for the offering I give more. These actually are my passport to answered prayer, for me, as long as I am doing these, God will generously give what I want…but God has His own way – painful and yet loving.

I’ve been married for three years and my husband and I plan to have a baby, well, we’ve been planning since day one of our marital relationship, but until today our longed for gift has not been given to us. I was wondering and asking God why? My friends have their children and financially speaking they are not that capable compared to us, practically speaking. I do have pregnancies in the past and all of them were a failure, my first pregnancy was considered hopeless because the fetus’ beat was mild bradicardia, so I was treated for immediate dilation. The second pregnancy was considered fatal, I gave birth prematurely and according to the physician the infant is unable to breathe properly because of lung problem, the baby died after twenty-four hours of treatment, lastly, my third pregnancy was ectopic, the only miracle was I didn’t undergo an operation because the blood remains came out easily after two weeks of continuous bleeding.

This recent incident flooded my heart with disappointments; I’ve been delayed for almost two months of my monthly period, we have our highs and hopes that after three succeeding failures of having a baby the answer is finally here. Yet, after visiting the doctor, we were greatly discouraged that our expectations were meaningless; the doctor said that it was a false pregnancy despite of the positive result in pregnancy test, we were hoping for nothing.

Bed in hell… after that disappointment, I made a bed in hell, I turned away from God, I made a choice to stray from Him, not abrupt but little by little, I began to forsake my prayer life and replace the godly activities with things of this world. I felt the anger in my heart; I knew inside me that I am angry at God and so I hurt His feelings, my heart slowly became cold and I turned away my focus to despair, hopelessness and failures.

Yes, it is my choice to settle my bed in hell… My rebellion was so great, only the Lord Jesus knew that rebellion and backsliding inside me, my families, friends, church-mates and even my pastor didn't know that I was struggling with and against God. I was trying to prove my worthiness before Him, I’m trying to impose on Him that I never deserve such life, such frustration and such response because I am serving Him. I thought “I have served You and have loved You but why do I have to suffer like this?” I am different from others because I am far better than them!” My heart became hard, my ears turned deaf and my eyes were blinded by me, MY needs, MY wants, MY dreams and MY desires. My arrogance before God helped me settle my bed in hell easily.

But even if I make my bed in hell God’s very presence is there! No matter how hard I tried to run away from Him, He’s always near, such nearness that is hard to deny, His power to penetrate to your very soul is overwhelming, His strength to soften your heart is endearing and His firm yet subtle discipline and teaching is enduring. In my grief, I asked God of His purpose, His will and His plan for me. There are times I find it hard to understand His answer, but in His answers I saw myself, how sinful I am, and how righteous He is, how self-centered I lived and how God wants to be the center in my life, God wants me to be fully complete in Him that I may lack nothing, He wants me to live a life that He is the sole source of my happiness that even if I don’t have everything my heart’s desire, my contentment is centered in Him alone. Even if I have children or not, there is no difference at all as long as I have God, I am complete!

How thankful I am when I realized that not all things we prayed for were being answered, how blessed I am when I pondered how good and adamant God is in His love for me. It is only then I realized, what if God allowed me to stray away from Him, what would happen to me? What if He let go of my hand, who would hold and guide me? What if He allowed me to settle my bed in hell will I be able to get up unharmed, will I be able to see light, and will I be able to see heaven? I thanked God and I thank Him still because He never responded that way we humans would have responded. The bed I made in hell is no longer there, He helped me carry my bed and settle it firmly in a place where love and peace abounds – His heart!

What about you, have you made a bed in hell? We may have different situations and circumstances but we end the same…a bed in hell. I’m telling you, it is an unsightly place to be!

"If I ascend to heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

Psalms 139:8