Bed in Hell

Bed in Hell

By: Hazel S. Yee

Have you ever made a bed in hell? I used to, its not that I am not aware I’m making one, or the bed is placed unintentionally or intentionally there (by me of course)! The bed I made in hell is a picture of myself turning away from God, I knew I was wrong but the thought of wrestling with God with things you are asking from Him which He never seems to hear or He doesn’t want to give makes me feel dismayed. Especially if the things you are pleading are the things you thought you deserve…you thought you deserve!

Well, I am thirty three years old; I have accepted Christ as my Savior in November, 1991. I know that I am not a perfect Christian, well not the complete sense of perfection, but at least I know that I am in the process of perfection. I am very active in my ministry in the church as a Sunday school teacher, I’m the leader in dance ministry and I disciple young people who wants to be in this ministry. I am always present in Sunday service, young peoples’ Sunday school and midweek services. Sometimes, I was assigned to preach in worship services. In addition, I never fail to give my tithes to the Lord and if there are enough for the offering I give more. These actually are my passport to answered prayer, for me, as long as I am doing these, God will generously give what I want…but God has His own way – painful and yet loving.

I’ve been married for three years and my husband and I plan to have a baby, well, we’ve been planning since day one of our marital relationship, but until today our longed for gift has not been given to us. I was wondering and asking God why? My friends have their children and financially speaking they are not that capable compared to us, practically speaking. I do have pregnancies in the past and all of them were a failure, my first pregnancy was considered hopeless because the fetus’ beat was mild bradicardia, so I was treated for immediate dilation. The second pregnancy was considered fatal, I gave birth prematurely and according to the physician the infant is unable to breathe properly because of lung problem, the baby died after twenty-four hours of treatment, lastly, my third pregnancy was ectopic, the only miracle was I didn’t undergo an operation because the blood remains came out easily after two weeks of continuous bleeding.

This recent incident flooded my heart with disappointments; I’ve been delayed for almost two months of my monthly period, we have our highs and hopes that after three succeeding failures of having a baby the answer is finally here. Yet, after visiting the doctor, we were greatly discouraged that our expectations were meaningless; the doctor said that it was a false pregnancy despite of the positive result in pregnancy test, we were hoping for nothing.

Bed in hell… after that disappointment, I made a bed in hell, I turned away from God, I made a choice to stray from Him, not abrupt but little by little, I began to forsake my prayer life and replace the godly activities with things of this world. I felt the anger in my heart; I knew inside me that I am angry at God and so I hurt His feelings, my heart slowly became cold and I turned away my focus to despair, hopelessness and failures.

Yes, it is my choice to settle my bed in hell… My rebellion was so great, only the Lord Jesus knew that rebellion and backsliding inside me, my families, friends, church-mates and even my pastor didn't know that I was struggling with and against God. I was trying to prove my worthiness before Him, I’m trying to impose on Him that I never deserve such life, such frustration and such response because I am serving Him. I thought “I have served You and have loved You but why do I have to suffer like this?” I am different from others because I am far better than them!” My heart became hard, my ears turned deaf and my eyes were blinded by me, MY needs, MY wants, MY dreams and MY desires. My arrogance before God helped me settle my bed in hell easily.

But even if I make my bed in hell God’s very presence is there! No matter how hard I tried to run away from Him, He’s always near, such nearness that is hard to deny, His power to penetrate to your very soul is overwhelming, His strength to soften your heart is endearing and His firm yet subtle discipline and teaching is enduring. In my grief, I asked God of His purpose, His will and His plan for me. There are times I find it hard to understand His answer, but in His answers I saw myself, how sinful I am, and how righteous He is, how self-centered I lived and how God wants to be the center in my life, God wants me to be fully complete in Him that I may lack nothing, He wants me to live a life that He is the sole source of my happiness that even if I don’t have everything my heart’s desire, my contentment is centered in Him alone. Even if I have children or not, there is no difference at all as long as I have God, I am complete!

How thankful I am when I realized that not all things we prayed for were being answered, how blessed I am when I pondered how good and adamant God is in His love for me. It is only then I realized, what if God allowed me to stray away from Him, what would happen to me? What if He let go of my hand, who would hold and guide me? What if He allowed me to settle my bed in hell will I be able to get up unharmed, will I be able to see light, and will I be able to see heaven? I thanked God and I thank Him still because He never responded that way we humans would have responded. The bed I made in hell is no longer there, He helped me carry my bed and settle it firmly in a place where love and peace abounds – His heart!

What about you, have you made a bed in hell? We may have different situations and circumstances but we end the same…a bed in hell. I’m telling you, it is an unsightly place to be!

"If I ascend to heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

Psalms 139:8

Leaving All for Christ

Leaving All for Christ

By: Hazel S. Yee

The prison door flew open as the soldiers dragged Lea inside almost unconscious due to the beatings that continued for four hours. While inside the prison the soldiers continued to hurt her asking her to deny Christ and leave her Christian faith, “Deny your Christ and live!” shouted one of the soldiers, Lea shook her head and remained silent enduring the pain that has gone through her inmost being.

Lea is a thirty-one year old missionary who left her family for a mission in a communist country, her husband Phillip, who is a pastor, decided to stay to take care of the church and their two kids, Jaira a fourth grade and Dofel a fifth grade. Both kids are excellent in school and are well disciplined. It’s hard for Lea to leave her family and fulfill the Lord’s command, however, when she heard that there are lives that are being destroyed because of famine, crime and immorality, she became cognizant how lives are wasted, and people died without knowing and experiencing the grace of God so she decided to go, aware of the danger that could take place because her faith is prohibited in that country and the punishment of being caught is unbearable to think of.

Words are being spread about her situation, people began to pray for her, her whole church hold prayer and fasting pleading God for help and total deliverance from anguish and bereavement, however before Lea was executed for torture, she asked her family and the congregation to be firm and be prepared for things that are about to happen. Lea knew perfectly that if God wills He can save her even from the pangs of death or God may allow a painful sacrifice in exchange of the salvation of the people which is the purpose of Christ’ crucifixion and death.

Col. Lee went inside the room and looked at Lea with despair, he is the officer in-charge of Lea’s case from the day of her captivity up to present, he is amazed how she handled the pain and the verbal abuse just to hold on to her faith. “You know what?! I’m wondering how important your faith and the God of yours whom you serve that you are willing to face all these misery, why is it better for you to suffer than deny your Christ and live? What’s in your God that you cannot disown? Don’t you have a family?” Col. Lee exclaimed in great disbelief, as he waited for an answer, Lea stared at him unaffectedly. “I’m giving you until tomorrow to decide, your life’s fate depends on your reply,” Col. Lee said and left the room dejectedly.

Col. Lee has watched and observed Lea from her first day in prison, he perfectly knew that Lea risked her life for people not related to her and he also knew that Lea has committed no sin except of course her faith which is unacceptable in their country. He began to think the beauty of a world without prejudice and the liberty of worshipping God without fear of being caught or tormented, Lea has to face the trial and the punishment of death as being implemented by the government and it hurts so much to know that the execution will be decided by him.

“I love you, I promised that I will love you till the color of our hair turns gray, I will take care of you and our kids and our family will stay together forever,” Phillip whispered as they kissed and embraced each other. “Mom, Dad look, here’s the result of our exam and I got a perfect score!” exclaimed Jaira. “Don’t forget your promise,” she added cheerfully. “I’ve got a medal for winning the spelling bee contest in school, you promised that you will buy me a pair of snickers,” Dofel said excitedly. These words sounded in Lea’s ears and as she reached out her arms towards Phillip and their kids she was dismayed to see that everything she heard is just a piece of beautiful memories, tears went down her cheeks, swelling because of the slapping. “Phillip, I love you too, I’m sorry I can’t be with you just as I have promised however, I knew that you will do the same thing if you were in my shoe. And my angels, how I wished to see you two grow, but sad to say Mommy can’t be with you any longer, but always know that I love you.” Lea silently utter, the feeling of solitude in that cold, dark room was replaced with peace and comfort as she prayed to God entrusting Him her life, knowing that as the day dawns her life draws near to the grave.

The noise from the distant became louder and louder, the voices of people are becoming more intense and as the door was opened, the soldiers came in followed by Col. Lee and Gen. Hong. The two men raised Lea up to her knees, “So what would be your decision?” asked Col. Lee, “Col., you asked me yesterday if I have a family. Yes, I have a loving husband and two beautiful daughters and it breaks my heart to leave them. However, how can I deny the Christ who loves me, it is my decision to die and give my life to God who remains faithful up to this day, the God who died that I may live, the God who gave everything that I may gain all things.”

“Are you crazy? You have the chance to live and be with your own family, are you going to waste this opportunity!” Col. Lee said in disbelief. Lea looked at him in his eyes and smiled there is no fear in her eyes as if death means nothing to her. “That’s it, take her outside for the execution.” Gen. Hong ordered, “This is frustrating, Col. Lee, if I were to decide, the death sentence should be given not later than one week after her captivity, two weeks trial is a long period for so-called Christians like her.” Dismayed, Col. Lee ordered his men to take Lea outside, he knew that nothing can be done once the verdict was announced, he was not aware that tears began flowing, “What’s in your God that you are willing to face death so peacefully?” Col. Lee said to himself his eyes followed her still.

As the soldiers escort her outside, Lea heard people calling out her name, she turned her head and saw Tao Li, a young man who once a drug dependant but became Christian after experiencing God’s deliverance; Phong, a teenage girl who ran from her parents because of rebellion and became pregnant at the age of sixteen, her life was changed when God rescued her from total destruction and gave her a new existence and Lao, who was engaged in adultery but his life, commitment and love were restored after encountering God in his sickbed and some other familiar faces were present, she knew that the love for these people are the reason why she remained strong as she marched towards her death. “To live is Christ and to die is gain, hold onto your faith…” Lea said as she holds Phong’s hands while the soldiers carried her away to the center of the firing line.

Gen. Hong ordered the shooter to prepare their rifles and he read the decree in the hearings of the people, Lea seemed not to hear everything, great peace and the most inexpressible joy overshadowed her, the feeling she felt the day of her encounter with Christ. Suddenly, Bang! The sound of rifles echoed through the air repeatedly while the soldiers fired at Lea as ordered by Gen. Hong, he then ordered them to stop as Lea’s lifeless body filled with blood dropped to the ground. People who came to witness the execution stood in silence, and then a soft sound of weeping was heard among the crowd, it became more extreme as people marched to the firing line one by one. Gen Hong was surprised to see that there are people who are willing to die and follow Lea’s example despite of the suffering and punishment she received. Their boldness and dedication seemed not to move the officer and so he took one of the soldier’s rifle and shot them one by one!

“What is the meaning of this?” Gen. Hong asked Col. Lee who approached him with his outstretched arm, he was holding the officer’s badge as a symbol of his position in the military and he was handing it to Gen. Hong. “Are you insane? Are you trying to insult me by this? Don’t tell me you pity these fools and thus you weakened your heart by accepting their ideologies?” Gen. Hong said in fury. “With all my life I have accepted and lived by our beliefs, and I have never doubted not even once to the government and to its policies until today, I have never seen such peace as these people commit their lives even to death, I wonder and how I wanted to know the God whom they serve, who He really is and why these people forsook their lives for Him, I wanted to know Him and I wanted to experience peace the kind of peace I have been longing for a long time, the same peace that they have as they faced their death,” Col. Lee stated then he knelt down, tears began to flow down on his cheeks while he whispered a prayer, “Lord I wanted to know You, make Yourself known to me…” In disgrace, Gen. Hong pointed the gun directly to Col. Lee’s forehead, “You are a shame to this country, and what a great fool you are!” with one shot, Col. Lee died with a smile on his face…

The End

The Heart of a Teacher

The smile of the children with their warm greetings inspired me as I entered the classroom of our Sunday School, “I can go on for the whole day,” I said to myself as these beautiful faces greeted me while I came in. Excitement fills my heart when I prepared myself for another comical display of Bible characters, stories and games. I am so inspired when the laughter fills the air and hands raising up eager to answer the questions I gave.

I’ve been a teacher for almost ten years in Sunday school, and leader for Sunday special presentation for the offertory. My experience in this ministry is not only fulfilling, what I can say is, this has become a part of my life that I can never live without. Different generations of children who became teenagers passed under my wings, some of them continued their service in the Lord and are very successful in their ministry and career while others lost sight of their track and never came back. I will never forget the last batch of pupils I have handled, I have trained them in dancing, singing, acting and everything that I know I imparted to these students, with confidence that these kids will commit their lives to the Lord, this self-assurance led me to a decision to leave them on their own, I busied myself in my work as a call center agent and I have forgotten that there are people waiting for me, who waited for nothing.

I never thought that a day will come when I have to face the fear of the truth of my negligence. The children whom I cared for were no longer there when I called, I gathered all my resources to assemble them but the fact that their enjoyment in the Lord were replaced by the enjoyment of this world, I tried to rekindle the fire but, it is so sad seeing them go one by one. My heart was broken when I saw these children grew up apart from the Lord; some of them got engaged with drugs, some got involved with homosexual relationship while others suffer from a wrong decision such as premarital sex resulting to unwanted pregnancies and teenage marriage.

I blamed myself for the circumstances that overtook these people, how I wished I could turn back time and prevent it all from happening, I even said to myself that if I could I will build a hedge around them and cover them with my wings so that they need not experience those painful and wrecking situations. The way I blamed myself only led to despair and hopelessness and so God showed me the fact that I cannot change: even if I die as a recompense for my carelessness. I may have neglected my duty as a teacher because of financial obligations to my family, however no matter how hard I tried, a choice is left for them to decide which path they will follow. I don’t need to cry over spilled milk, God has allowed those situations to happen to teach us a lesson and to value the things of the present and of the future. While we can, we have all the power to change the lives of the new generation, lead them to Christ that they may commit their lives in full service, love and devotion to God. Of course, we cannot prevent awful things from occurring, nevertheless, we are somehow prepared because of the lessons we learned from the past.

Today, as I am about to start my new lesson in Sunday school, these thoughts linger in my mind, my heart was filled with hope for the future that amongst these children, a Sunday school teacher, a pastor, song leader, minister, or an evangelist will be born. This motivation encouraged me to carry on the ministry that God has planted in my heart, a reality that we cannot refute that a true teacher is the one that doesn’t give up when her students fail; never leaves her duty even if the financial benefit is not promising as it is; never loose heart when all things fail, a teacher will strive hard and will continue to do so until she sees that there is someone following her track when she looks back. This is the heart of a teacher…